Last night, as of 21st July 2007, God granted me a revelation. I have long dwelled on a question; can a couple marry, and sustain that marriage with absolutely zero love? Hence, after witnessing a real life confession from a friend, and some dreams that night (I prayed to God to give some insights, I came to this conclusion)
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What is love?
Let us cut some slack. Depending on your background and notions about love, one may want to define love as the force attracting two souls, to one another. Or, two individuals to one another, if you don't believe in souls. Agree?
Alright, assuming that you agree to the notion above, (which I'm trying my very best to be NOT lengthy [chiong hei in cantonese] or bombastic, or whatever), let's move on to the topic at hand. I came to a realization that even without such a force of "love" (the one above), two individuals can still marry and sustain that marriage.
I'm saying that because I've seen one in front of my eyes. Two people from two totally different backgrounds, two different religious upbringing, but they have a wonderful family together (they have 2 very active sons) and WOW! Its unbelievable!
And the man admitted. He married his good friend. Note. Its not girlfriend, best friend, or special friend. He married his GOOD FRIEND! So, what made his marriage took off like some rocket? (No kayutshas here, please)
Love, Affinity, Marriage, Babbling. One of the biggest questions that I've always wanted to explore, was the idea of having a couple to marry with zero or no love. Before we go though, let us take a quick examination at the concept that defines "love".
Now, before we can move on, what defines love? Basically we have many words, description, adjectives and such that attempts to describe what is love. Suffice to say, the concept of "love" in the context of interrelationship between two souls, can be generally assumed as "a binding force that attracts and bonds two souls (or individuals if you don't like the word soul) together spiritually, emotionally, mentally together with a mutual attraction to one another".
So having settled that, let us move with the definition of marriage. Its a commitment, its a legal bond, its a social contract that is well understood between two parties, a man and a woman (and man and man, or woman with another woman, but we won't want to touch on that here), acting together as a husband and wife, with an intention to build a family together (irregardless with or without child). Does this sound plausible? If you think so, we can now move on to other things in this blog.
Suffice to speak, the Baha'i Writings offer many beautiful quotations on the aspects of marriage, from many perspectives and angles, coupled with many beautiful analogies. (It even speaks of the beauty of that relationship in life after death, in the many worlds of God) To help you look at some, I suggest that you look up for the Ocean Research Library. Download, update, and type "marriage". You'll be amazed! Just to draw your attention to one quote, which I'm using it as one of the foundations for what I'm writing today.
Bahá'í marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life...
In a true Bahá'í marriage the two parties must become fully united both spiritually and physically, so that they may attain eternal union throughout all the worlds of God, and improve the spiritual life of each other. This is Bahá'í matrimony.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 372)
So, back to the original question. Can a marriage be conceived, sustained and progress with zero love? (Remember, I'm talking about the love which the one which I made the assumption above) My opinion is YES. As of 21st July 2007, I had witnessed before my eyes, when my friends reveal his story that he married his good friend (yes, you heard it; good friend, not best friend, not girlfriend, not special friend, not just any friend. Just a good friend). So imagine my shock and awe when I heard this coming straight from the horses's mouth. To give a clearer picture of this friend of mine; he has a wife who's of a different religion, education background, upbringing, social status. There is very little in common between them. However, as of today they have 2 wonderfully active kids (physically, really) and I pray that these children will grow up into magnificent souls. Because every children can. So this is my friend. And his wife (who was not present there, after all I don't know her that well)
So when we went deeper in the discussion, I noticed few certain keywords. Friendship, affinity, reciprocity, tolerance.
This couple works traditionally in the sense that sometimes, there is a veto struggle in many decisions, especially the children's education and upbringing. Yet, there is very little conflict between them, and they are similarly content with one another, even though sometimes the process of achieving that decision is quite 'undemocratic' or does not meet the standard of consultation. Sounds just like any normal family, right? Yet there exist no love, but there exist the few elements which I've mentioned earlier.
I would not like to dwell too deep in certain elements, like the concepts of the elements of friendship, affinity, reciprocity and tolerance because they might detract the notion and idea that I'm presenting; that I believe that marriages with 'zero love' can actually work out.
To the main argument; yes there are quotes like "love conquers everything", "with love this / that is possible", etc etc. I will have to assume that you (as a reader) can perceive the notions of the power / capability of love as an emotion which we can draw our energies from to perform even the seemingly impossible task. Just look around, twitterpats (check up www.urbandictionary.com to get the meaning, its basically "people who fell in love") do many things that people who know them individually might not want / will do. The influence and power of love propels these couples to greater heights. No doubt about that. Now, it is of course natural to assume that when these couple get married (which may not necessarily happen, as I tell you, since individuals do go over break ups before finding a life long partner whom they love), they also maintain that love for each another, and the marriage is now carried to greater heights.
Is that not wonderful? That is the power of love. However, let us have a look at how certain things work, particularly love. (I know, my friend.. I'm again using "look at around the society and that's reality" thingy again.. Just can't help it). Loves demand nurture, and demands culture. (You know, like culturing yeast? You still need to care for it) It is within the human nature that sometimes we tend to forget about the things that we had taken for granted, like a long cultivated feeling of love for one another. And when the feeling is lost, or the spark is lost in these kind of marriages, (the love-emotion driven ones) these marriages turn into turmoil. Spouses complaining that they don't understand his / her other part now, or lacking the spark in their lives, and then in many cases, where when someone else can give that spark, they leave their current spouses behind, and go off with the new one, for something "fresh".
The idea seems complicated, but let's look at the analogy of nourishment. Our body needs nourishment to sustain itself. Same as marriage, it is an entity that requires nourishment from all the parties concerned for it to sustain itself and growth. Ideally, like our body, it requires a staple food, with many varieties. For South East Asians, our staple food is rice. Chicken, beef, mutton, curry, sambal, all are but variants that changes daily or per meal depending on our wants and tastes.
The same way goes with love. At this point I do know that I may incur your opposition, but please remember that this is a theory, an approach from my understanding of how things happen, with the biasness and objectivity to achieve "whether it is possible to have a marriage and sustain such an institution with lack or zero "quantitative" amount of love. Hence, in respect to the analogy of nutrition above, what I'm actually suggesting is to look at the ingredient "love" as no more but an ingredient in the food, not the staple food. However, should you (as a reader) feel that this idea / theory is inconsistent or flawed in one way or another, please feel free to comment. I would enjoy having a discussion with you.
One of the many reason why I said so is that I solemnly believe that "love" (think of it as an ingredient) is something that we don't just give and take for granted. It is something that we process out of our desire, our wish, our will. It is a rare and precious commodity, and we only have so much (to a certain amount, or limit) before it runs out and needs to be recharged / refilled. However, it is IMPORTANT to realize that when a married couple do things, they can get the job done. However, when you add LOVE in it, it inspires and motivates, it spurs the completion rate, the quality, the effectiveness, etc. Love by itself does not create things. However, it is a very strong catalyst which when used properly, can cause many wonderful things to happen. This is true in the case of Abdu'l-Baha (The Master)'s words;
"Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time"
So how does it go? I see it that there will always be trouble in marriages, but when the couple is commited, with the affinity that has developed between the couple, prior to the marriage, then YES, a couple can get married with ZERO LOVE.
It may sound a lil' open ended, but its editable. This will be a growing topic as more things are added on.
So, not love. So now, what?
Okay, let's have a look at affinity.
By means of affinity, let's have a look at the wonderful poet Kahlil Gibran. In his famous book "The Broken Wings", he noted that:
"It is wrong to think that love comes from companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is achieved in a moment, it will not be created in years or even generations."Love is an offspring out of spiritual affinity. Love does not produce spiritual affinity. It is the other way round. So, if someone as astounding can perceive through this veil, maybe we should give time to ponder about it. Another thing to point out, two of my friends, one is Peter Gardner, another is "Rapunzel".
Peter Gardner said this:
I think that character and the quality of communication become the most important aspect of a fruitful marriage. Love can grow quickly or gradually.
To add on to this, another friend of mine, who I call her "Rapunzel", who added this in her perspective.
"To me, being the traditional girl I am brought up, my parents always tell me, the moment I'm married off, that is my family. He, and I. So irregardless whatever happens, I must be tolerant of him, and there can not be a divorce.It is not permissible to allow it to happen."
Although there is a different depth to their words (meaning to say the discussion was very long and alot of other aspects have to be taken in), but it reflects the values that they believe which should be taken seriously into account in a relationship. Quality of individual characters, quality of communication, values such as loyalty, trust, tolerance, each of these qualities should take precedence over "unpredictable" qualities such as 'love'. Please don't take it the wrong way. I'm not downplaying the value of the appreciation towards 'love'. However, as an individual, I felt that the value of love has been given too much over-emphasis. We love 'love'. We enjoy being loved, and given the world we want to love whom we want to love. However, just like how Baha'u'llah wrote in "Seven Valleys"; the steed of love is pain. Many do not 'buy' this idea. They prefer to shut out what seems bad and ignore it.
Looking back at some of the examples I have given way above in this quite lengthy blog, I would like to allow myself to cut some slack for everyone; that we have to start examining other qualities that will help ensure the perseverance and fruitation of a holy union, the institution known to mankind as marriage.
And what is spiritual affinity? I'll rather write it on the next blog focusing on it, since it is a sentence of gravity. (where a whole new label or writing is dedicated to it)
But I've stated it. It is possible, and plausible to have marriage with little or ZERO amount of love. =D
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