On me, by me, to me, for me.

Second day in a row that i did not fast.

Hey, am I obligated to fast? No. But I'm asking myself to do it. *Hurrah!*

So what's the big deal? There's lot of big deal.
I have not been fasting properly, as in waking up before sunrise, pray, and then do whatever one has to, and fast, and pray, and break fast during sun set.

No, I have not, and I, really, really feel darn bad about it.

But that's not the major issue. The major issue is what's going on in my head and my soul.

The meeting has already begun, and its ongoing. And it hurts, and it sucks. Why? That's because right now, there are representatives in my head (oh yes, think of it like a royal court with a king, a jester, and the representatives all arguing on matters) arguing about whether I'm doing things right, wrong, or do I need some help.

Right now, the case is... I'm heading back to the self destructive methods which I was on few years back. I really can't take care of myself, can I?

As cheesy as it sounds, I'm all alone, and all alone. No one to see, no land in sights, and still going in circles in a sea of nowhere, and no map, and clueless exactly where I am. Analogically speaking.

No, I know that I'm a student in UPM, and my goal is to study well, get my arse back to Sabah (where I should have been) and serve the ummah there. And in the process I'm supposed to be wiser, more tolerant and more responsible person.)

I just can't tolerate myself. Do I require myself to undergo psychotherapy again? (Or was there in the first place? Oh yes, for my case of multiple personality and schzopreniac (or how they spell it again?)

Dang. Could it be that I'm upset at how things have turned out, and because of the fact that I can't move on when I fail to complete the single tiny winy thing, the world rotates and I had allowed myself to drop behind?

That's more like it. How do I deal with it?

You know, when you do A, B, C all the way to Z.
And when you get stuck at F. Do you repeat until it gets through (or you get it right) or do you skip?And worse still, what happens if you keep going back to F even though you've moved on? And keep dwelling in the past?


I have a nasty habit of going back to F and repeating it until I say "let's move on". That's a bad trait, no?

The world rotates, and I'm left behind.
If you think you can help me, or wish to offer any form of advise / guidance, feel free. You know my hotlines, and where / when you can reach me. =)


Sigh. Bummer. Dang. Crap. Oh, bejeezuz. Snap.

I am totally lost. Anyone, anything?