A long procastinated thought on Nurin

Dear Nurin,

You know, its very hard for me to ignore the fact that you were used, abused, and only God knows what possible horrors that you've had to go through. Its been quite some time, and now everyone wants blood.

I sit in front of my computer screen, would this be the best move? I had may questions, Nurin. Many.

I am a self styled scholar. I'm still studying you see. We are asked to study many things, and in return we're asked to contribute what we've learnt back to the communities. Just like that. Sounds simple, no?

But then again, I gave a thought of myself being a father (I'm a godfather of 2 children, and more to come, really.) I can't bear to think the possibility of what had happened to you to happen to my two godchildren. I just can't. Its too horrifying. Then again, I thought. I don't think its ever good to glorify the past.

But then, what can we do? You're already in the next world. I hope that God will always have you protected there. You deserve many things like other children. You certainly do.

But people want blood now. And they sing, and they chant, and they do many things. I am helpless but to think should I just send your parents my condolences, or in time just sit here and wait for the news of (hopefully) the capture of your tormentor. Vigilante. A possibility.

In time, the story will wind down, as all national stories will, well within 30 days (You know, there's something called the 30-day-story-theory" in Malaysia?) before the memories of you (at least in the press) gets chucked away under the carpet, or God knows where.

***Continued after a long physical break***

It has been weeks now, and the community still cry for the blood of your tormentor. I am amazed, that the fervour still appeals to people. They want justice, they demand it now. I just hope that in the frenzy, the REAL perpetrator, the REAL culprit will be caught. And let it be that (we pray) this will teach everyone involved directly or indirectly a lesson; crime doesn't pay.

And while the country watches, I pray for the progress of your soul in the next world. God be with you always, Nurin.

When one have persona(s) that clashes

The problem with having more than an individual persona is that they tend to clash, big time.

Let me get to draw the current situation.

Badi wants things to go as it is. Stability is key.
Sato cries for more action in the act.
Joker demands more artistic approach, a sight to behold,
Ghost wants more movements in politics and national affairs.
Essence prefers to write more on poetry.

So tell me, should I have written 3-4 blogs and kept them different at times?
Nah, I can't. Cognitively too stressing and it will just set the rift further apart, and worse, its just going to be more rants. Hell, who reads useless rants?

Then again, its (the blog) something that I use to pen down my thoughts before they get lost forever, even though the thought may resurface after some time, triggered by the keywords / situations. Then again, on cultural reference vis a vis to the political observations, or just rants and comments vis a vis criticisms and scholarly remarks, a fine balance have to be struck, yet maybe not just this blog. Perhaps later, perhaps we'll see how we can try to fit in the elements that I wish to have it recorded here. We'll see how it goes.

Rather, somehow, during a 'conference', we agreed we need more organization in our posts. Perhaps.

Tune in to hear more in a few days time. This will serve as a reminder as well.

And I'm thinking should I join the others in spreading the word? Hmm..

Restless and agitated

Unfortunately for me, music is always my 'booster' pack. The point i'm trying to make is that, now i'm restless, full of energy, and full of misplaced enthusiasm.

All caused by music.

I may have been listening to trance and quite a number of rock songs, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm easily emotionally swung around with music.

Sounds crazy?
Nah.

Now its Bomfunk MC's with "Freestyler" in it. It was featured extensively in Pro Evolutio Soccer / Winning Eleven series.. I forgot which year. But it was damn fun.

People like us, beat sensitive...

Hmm...

A cherished friend

We all know that we ought to cherish our friends, no matter whether they are close or not. Whilst in the three years that I've been with the IPTI gang, I've gained some close knit friends, like Kuo Wei, Aida, Kinisha, Jayanthi, Ady Radzwan, Zharif (Zorro), Aizzudin (Nobi), Ismail (Mael), Kamal (Nemo), Abd. Fattah (Mikel), and many more.


Now, of course, there's this one special friend that I would like to write about. She's been through a rough time of her life, and I'm not posting this because I want you guys to sympathize with her or do anything like that. I just want all of you to know, that there exist such an individual, and I'm there for here, for as long as I can.

Sounds cheesy? Maybe. You decide. Just like the famous Arunachalam (one of the films superstar Rajni Khan acted in) used to say the ever legendary catchphrase

"God dictates, I do it, you sit back"

and to my friends, you all know what I meant when I say that. It's ''the Transporter's legacy'' after all.

So here, I would like to introduce my friend Kinisha Ramasamy. Here's a latest picture that we took together. *Laughs*

So she's from Alor Setar, yap.. And she's an Indian. Look at the picture. She's pretty, isn't she? As a matter of fact, she's quite tall. Yeah, when she wears high heel shoes, I'm dwarved. LOL. You get the idea.

Between you and me, (LOL, this sounds so private-y!) here's what I can say. She sees me through all. Yeah. =) It becomes very helpful to you and your friend, because you become more honest, and you acknowledge problems when it arises. That's what I enjoy from our deep, close friendship. Hehe. =P

She's got problems of her own sometimes, but I want all of you to meet her. She's a sweet girl. And she deserves all the good things in life. =)

On me, by me, to me, for me.

Second day in a row that i did not fast.

Hey, am I obligated to fast? No. But I'm asking myself to do it. *Hurrah!*

So what's the big deal? There's lot of big deal.
I have not been fasting properly, as in waking up before sunrise, pray, and then do whatever one has to, and fast, and pray, and break fast during sun set.

No, I have not, and I, really, really feel darn bad about it.

But that's not the major issue. The major issue is what's going on in my head and my soul.

The meeting has already begun, and its ongoing. And it hurts, and it sucks. Why? That's because right now, there are representatives in my head (oh yes, think of it like a royal court with a king, a jester, and the representatives all arguing on matters) arguing about whether I'm doing things right, wrong, or do I need some help.

Right now, the case is... I'm heading back to the self destructive methods which I was on few years back. I really can't take care of myself, can I?

As cheesy as it sounds, I'm all alone, and all alone. No one to see, no land in sights, and still going in circles in a sea of nowhere, and no map, and clueless exactly where I am. Analogically speaking.

No, I know that I'm a student in UPM, and my goal is to study well, get my arse back to Sabah (where I should have been) and serve the ummah there. And in the process I'm supposed to be wiser, more tolerant and more responsible person.)

I just can't tolerate myself. Do I require myself to undergo psychotherapy again? (Or was there in the first place? Oh yes, for my case of multiple personality and schzopreniac (or how they spell it again?)

Dang. Could it be that I'm upset at how things have turned out, and because of the fact that I can't move on when I fail to complete the single tiny winy thing, the world rotates and I had allowed myself to drop behind?

That's more like it. How do I deal with it?

You know, when you do A, B, C all the way to Z.
And when you get stuck at F. Do you repeat until it gets through (or you get it right) or do you skip?And worse still, what happens if you keep going back to F even though you've moved on? And keep dwelling in the past?


I have a nasty habit of going back to F and repeating it until I say "let's move on". That's a bad trait, no?

The world rotates, and I'm left behind.
If you think you can help me, or wish to offer any form of advise / guidance, feel free. You know my hotlines, and where / when you can reach me. =)


Sigh. Bummer. Dang. Crap. Oh, bejeezuz. Snap.

I am totally lost. Anyone, anything?

TRIBUTE TO COLIN MCRAE

Just like Richard Burn's death, I find it very hard to accept it.

Richard Burns was my hero because of his aggressive, no-nonsense, 1-hand style rally.

Colin McRae is more renowned for his never say die attitude, give-it-all-out attitude...

And its hard to believe that now the world has two of its best legends in rally racing.



Just for your information:

1968: Born August 5, Lanark.

1986: Began rallying in a Talbot Sunbeam.

1987: Competed in his first world championship rally in Sweden in a Vauxhall Nova.

1989: Finished 15th overall in the world championship driving a Ford Sierra, finishing fifth in the New Zealand rally.

1991: Won the British rally championship in a Prodrive Subaru.

1992: Retained the British championship.

1993: Took his first world championship rally event win in New Zealand. Also won in Malaysia.

1994: Won world rally events in Britain, New Zealand and Australia.

1995: Won world rally driver's title after a fierce battle with team-mate Carlos Sainz in the final round in Great Britain.

1995: Moved to live in Monaco but alter returned to Lanarkshire.

1996: Finished runner-up in the world championship. Awarded MBE.

1997: Finished runner-up in the world championship.

1998: Finished third in the world championship.

Won the Race of Champions, an event where the world's top car racers compete over a specially-built course in rally cars inside football stadia.

The first version of the Colin McRae video game was released. Several new versions, on various platforms, have seen the game become one of Sony Playstation's best sellers.

1999: Moved to the M-Sport Ford team. Won the Safari and Portugal rallies but reliability problems with the new Focus cost him a shot at the title.

2000: Finished fourth in the world title race after a crash in Corsica left him with a broken cheekbone.

2001: Finished runner-up in the world championship.

2002: Victory in the Safari Rally made him the driver with the most world rally wins in history.

2003: Joined Citroen to race alongside Sainz and Sebastien Loeb. Both Sainz and Loeb

have since broken McRae's record of world rally event wins.

Finished a disappointing seventh in the world championship.

2004: Missed out on a return to Subaru as Mikko Hirvonen was chosen as team-mate to Petter Solberg.

Spent the year racing a Nissan truck in the Dakar Rally and racing the Le Mans 24 Hour Race.

2005: Made a one-off return to the world championship for Rally GB in a Skoda Fabia and finished seventh.

2006 - August 5: Flipped his Subaru during the first live televised American rally at the X Games in Los Angeles but still managed to finish second despite wrecking one of the wheels.

October - Replaced the injured Loeb at Citroen for the Rally of Turkey but a mechanical problem left him outside the top 10.

2007 - September 15: He and his five-year-old son are among four people who die in a helicopter crash within the grounds of his family home.

The proof of his legendary driving skills? Just view the one where he was a guest driver for Skoda Rally Team (which never got a point in the 2005 season), and he singlehandedly got 1st place even with extreme mechanical problems in one of the stages, upsurping Sebastian Loeb (Citroen), Chris (Subaru), Marcus Groholm, and all of the other better drivers in that stage.

That's Colin McRae.
The legendary Colin McRae.

May you live in peace, and drive your heart out at God's special stage made for you and all the other god-like rally racers.

Fantasi Pembudayaan, Sepintas Lalu

Dalam beberapa hari ini saya terlepas pandang beberapa artikel yang dibawakan oleh saudara Hamdi Hanapi dalam blognya yang bertajuk "Akal Muda". Saya ingatkan, semua pembaca mesti kenal dan arif akan perihal kegiatan saudara Hamdi, terutamanya dalam kolumnya di Akbar Mahasiswa. Tapi persoalan yang diajukkannya tetap bermain di kepala saya sendiri, dan saya rasa adalah perlu untuk saya meluahkan serba sedikit apa yang terpendam dalam sanubari saya akan kepada isu ini.

Jadi dalam satu senario yang digambarkan oleh saudara Hamdi, beliau menulis dua buah artikel dalam blognya, dimana ianya bertajuk "Universiti Apeks" (terjemahan daripada ayat bahasa Inggeris 'University Apex' yang memberi makna "puncak tertinggi universiti" jika dilihat dari segi literal translation) dan juga "Fantasi Pembudayaan Universiti". (Dua buah artikel yang berbeza tetapi mempunyai satu 'common link' yang menghubungkaitkan kedua dua isu)

Dalam ini saya berpendapat bahawa bagi menukar mana mana budaya yang sedia ada, sepatutnya semua pihak dalam universiti, samada pelajar, staf sokongan, para pensyarah mahupun para pentadbir universiti itu sendiri.

Namun yang demikian, saya juga berpendapat bahawa satu consensus patut dicapai di antara para pentadbir dengan para mahasiswa (wah, penuh aura ayat ini!) untuk menentukan hala tuju dasar universiti terbabit. Bukan apa, tapi seharusnya mana mana universiti itu seharusnya 'boleh' membuat penilaian kendiri (seperti yang dipaparkan di http://akalmuda.blogspot.com yang bertajuk "Universiti Apeks") dan juga boleh membentuk imej kendirinya mengikut keperluan semasa, ataupun menangkis "cultural abrasion" untuk terus menjana golongan graduan yang dikehendaki mengikut acuan yang dipersetujui sekian lama di antara golongan mahasiswa dan para pentadbir universiti.


Namun yang demikian, saya juga berpendapat bahawa sepatutnya tiada unsur politik dalam mana mana institusi pengajian tinggi (ataupun setidak tidaknya biarkanlah ianya dalam keadaan yang minima) di Malaysia. Mungkin pendapat saya ini bah dilabelkan sebagai "utopian", tetapi saya rasa sememangnya boleh dicapai.

Saya berpendapat bahawa universiti seharusnya menjadi satu medan eksperimen dan percubaan bagi membenarkan para mahasiswa untuk mengubahsuaikan diri dan juga mentaliti mereka untuk berkhidmat kepada ummah (masyarakat dan umat manusia termasuk), yakni berorientasikan konsep "service to humanity". Sememangnya saya merasakan, jika bukan universiti, takkan nak biarkan mahasiswa menggubah pendirian di alam pekerjaan di luar sana?

Ya, sememangnya saya boleh dilabelkan sebagai seorang "idiot" kerana tidak berfikiran realistik, di mana duit (uwang dalam istilah indonesia) menjadi penjana dan penggerak kepada apa apa keadaan di dunia. Saya tidak menafikan bahawa wang itu penting, tetapi konsep pembangunan itu sendiri = "development" haruslah di kaji semula (re-examined and re-studied).

Bukan kerana apa, tetapi dalam minda mahasiswa mahasiswa Malaysia kini, elemen "scholarlistic culture" (budaya berasaskan mahasiswa) telah mati disebabkan sikap materialistik ramai mahasiswa generasi awal, dan juga kebobrokan sistem pelajaran (di sekolah menengah, khasnya) dalam membentuk diri mahasiswa itu sendiri.

Sebagai seorang guru pelatih, saya terpanggil untuk menawarkan perpepsi bahawa meskipun di institut-institut perguruan, keadaan yang lebih kurang sama atau lebih teruk berlaku, dan sememangnya ada juga para guru pelatih itu yang juga patut dipersalahkan walhal kebanyakkan polisi memang didukung dan dilaksanakan oleh pihak pentadbir itu sendiri. Adakah yang ini bermakna keadaan sudah menjadi satu tahap di mana tidak boleh diselamatkan lagi?

Jangan terpedaya, kerana ini bukan satu "rant". Saya merasakan bahawa dalam pembentukan mana mana insan, seharusnya "the overview blueprint" harus dikemukakan dahulu. Apa yang saya maksudkan di sini ialah mahasiswa itu sendiri seharusnya dapat membuat satu pelan biru kendiri bagi membolehkan mereka sendiri untuk mengorak langkah sendiri. Dalam perihal ini, universiti memainkan peranan sebagai institusi pemangkin pencanaan perkembangan mahasiswa. Jangan dilupakan, falsafah pendidikan negara menekankan perkembangan dan pemantapan dari segi Jasmani, Emosi, Rohani, Intelek dan Sosial.

Amat bergaya katanya, namun jika ditanya, adakah mahasiswa mahasiswa dan institusi pengajian tinggi yang ada dalam negara kita berbuat demikian? Ataupun seperti mana yang berlaku di negara kita (saya meminjam ayat) mahasiswa kita 'dilembukan' dengan dogma kehidupan yang meleret?